σ'ευχαριστώ Μάρτιν
• Please don’t try to save me from my feelings.
losing a dear one, I’m being brought more deeply into
my life.
my own death.
• Reminisce with me.
pleasures and betrayals, of our adventures and
misadventures.
my heart.
better. This devalues my feelings of loss and makes
me feel wrong for my pain.
• I’m probably not ready to hear expressions like these:
... She’ll always be with you...
...Good thing he’s out of pain...
...I’m sure she’s looking down on us from
heaven now...
...You’re lucky you had so much time
together...
...Someday you’ll look back at this and...
...I know she wouldn’t want you to cry
...Well, life goes on
...God will never give you more than you can
handle
...You should count your blessings (or any
other “should”)
...Now you can get on with your life
...You must be strong (for the family/for the children, etc.)
...He’s with God now
When I hear phrases that attempt to counteract what
I’m feeling, I sometimes get confused or upset.
the healing process.
• From moment to moment, different voices will rise up
in me:
...I didn’t appreciate him enough
...I hate her for dying
...If only I had...
...It’s all my fault
...It’s all his fault
...I’m overwhelmed, it’s too much, I’m afraid
...I’ll never love again
These voices are accompanied by strong emotions. If
I trust you enough to speak them in your presence,
please don’t invalidate them.
Don’t respond with phrases like, “Oh no, that’s not
true; you’ll be fine” or “You did all you could” or “Of
course you’ll love again.”
Acknowledge that this is what I’m feeling at this time.
Recognize that it must be hard for me, rather than
telling me that what I’m feeling is not true or that it
will be different someday soon.
• I want to tell you about our last days together. About
how we met.
I want to tell you I feel bad that I didn’t appreciate
him enough while he was alive.
I want to show you her picture and tell you about the
plans we had...
that she treated me badly,
gave me lots of gifts,
was unbearably ornery.
I want to tell you I feel guilty that a part of me is
relieved he’s dead.
I want to wail, WHY? Where is she? How could this
happen? How can God do such a thing? I want to
shout, NO! IT CAN’T BE TRUE!
• Bone by Bone
There is a pain so utter –
It swallows substance up –
Then covers the Abyss with Trance –
So Memory can step
Around-across-upon it –
As one within a Swoon –
Goes safely – where an open eye –
Would drop Him – Bone by Bone
–Emily Dickinson
• Sometimes when we’re asked to help, we’re called on
to expand how we see ourselves as human beings. By
helping me with this loss, you might have found
yourself changed.
My gratitude runs deep for your willingness to take
this risk.
• Don’t feel the need...
to fill...
...the
silences
• The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief or bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.
• Συμπληρώστε εσείς .........
απο το βιβλίο του Martin Keogh As Much Time as it Takes: A Guide for the Bereaved, Their Family and Friends
